sup

I am just going to share where I am at. The most gangster thing I could have done would have been to never post again.

My parents went on a cruise for 3 weeks and I am alone. The only time I have left the house was to get groceries and medications. I thought this would be a time of great creativity. There is this idea that solitude breeds creative output. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me.

I am not Van Gogh.
I am not Einstein.
I am not Tesla.
I am not Gallileo.
I am not Nietzsche.

Sure, I played some guitar, I created music on Ableton, I did some paintings, I started on a story. It did not feel all that fruitful. I was happier giving the dog a walk and passed a lot of time watching Netflix/YouTube.

AA

I had a friend who was shaming me for not having a sponsor so I asked him to be my sponsor. He was shaming me for not going to meetings so I went to a meeting. I realized it had been 2 years since I had been to a meeting. I did not enjoy the meetings I went to so I have not gone to any more meetings. I realize I've had this weird relationsip with AA for a long time. It may or may not ever get resolved. It is one of those things that may just stay unresolved.

Music

I had made a few demos that I liked so I thought I would continue that momentum into solitude. Nope. I grew tired of the drums on Ableton. The drum tones generally suck especially compared to a live drum set. I don't have access to drums and can't play what I would want to record so drums are out. What I was really fixating on though was getting a bass. The bass tones on Ableton are shit. I created some of my own on a plug-in that I thought were groovy but that gets old and then to have to play them on a MIDI controller (keyboard) is bleh. I can't play the piano. I don't know music theory. My guitar playing is beginner level.

I am not Kevin Parker (Tame Impala)
I am not Dan Snaith (Caribou)
I am not Beethoven

I still want a bass but have no money. Similar to the time I wanted to downtune my guitar and get a fuzz guitar pedal and play Boris. What will be next?

Reading

I read Anti-Oedipus Schizophrenia and Capitalism by Deleuze and Guattari. That's a difficult fucking text! Quite thrilling to read though. Now, I am on A Thousand Plateaus by D & G (ATP). I have gotten some of the secondary sources. D & G suggest to read ATP like one would listen to a record. So, I just read some chapters and skimmed through it. I am not sure if I want to really dig into this one.

***

I am still trying to find myself. There is no such thing as authenticity. Only authority and advertising and trends (seduction). That still does not mean we cannot examine life and continue to examine life and ourselves. This life is a simulated blur. Some hours feel like days yet the days and weeks slip by.

I know I need a job to surive. I know I need a job for any chance at independence. I am not happy about being a parasitic incel loser but I take the actions of a parasitic incel loser. I am the sum of my actions.

I want to get to the point where I don't need anything but that is impossible. I need money. I don't need marriage, I don't need kids, I don't even need a girlfriend but I need money.

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We are a simulated blur. We are tomorrow's dust. I am waiting for a friend to call me back and rifled through a whole bunch of stuff but then I found myself here again. I can only imagine how much time I have spent on this blog. It feels kind of right, right now. I am staying at my brother's house again. My mom has vertigo and my dad is operating on a bad back and two bad knees. They are getting old. I am getting old. I wonder what happens when I can't depend on my parents anymore. I need to grow up. I am not a rockstar. This is real life. As real as it can be. It is not imaginary. Even if the real has disappeared. I don't think my siblings will take care of me. There will be no one to take care of me.

I have been fully immersing myself in music. It is what makes me feel good. At least the initial burst of making something out of nothing. Finishing a song is rather tedius. I have access to a drum set and an electric guitar here which is lovely but obviously I can't jam out with the whole house asleep. The beauty of Ableton is I can take it wherever I go. I miss marijuana joints and red wine. You get a better jam and appreciation for music under that influence. I have to do everything stone cold sober and that can be a bummer. I am not a rockstar. I'm going to have to face the realities of life. I don't want to be a wino on the streets or in prison. One of my best friends just got out of prison. It sounds horrific and adjusting to life out of prison is not easy. I do see a therapist but music is my therapy. I mean obviously I care if it's shit. I don't want it to be shit but even if it is shit that's ok. Strikes and gutters. Those moments when you may be on to something is worth living for though. OK, back to chasing the dragon.

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I'm deep in theory. What a magical time. I am about half way through Mythologies by Roland Barthes. Then, I have The Medium is the Massage by McLuhan, Elements of Semiology by Barthes, and Society of the Spectacle by Debord up next but no one gives a shit.

That is really what this blog post is about. How no one gives a shit. Being an autodidact is a very solitary pursuit by definition. I joined a philosophy channel on Discord and they don't really give a shit either. It's mostly analytic academics. I don't fit in. The server is too active. Reddit has nothing for me besides the occasional Google search. I kind of despise Chat GPT but it can be somewhat useful.

My poor mom has to hear earfuls of the stuff I'm reading. At least she says she enjoys it to a point.

I'm just lonely. I went in hard on some Baudrillard. I think up to 2 weeks have flown by. I don't know if I even thought to be lonely then. Mythologies by Barthes is ok. It is a good intro to semiotics. A nice break from the denser and more opaque Baudrillard. Although, Baudrillard fascinates me. He seduces me. He haunts me.

There is no where for the autodidact to go except to touch grass and deal with it. Academia is a pipedream. It has been ever since I did not major in philosophy and chose poker over academics.

And the elephant in the room is that I need a job. I know, I know. I need a job. That is tremendous toil. If I did not have hypertrophy training and theory I would be in real trouble. The toil and the void would be too great.

Overcoming inertia in entropy. In a simulation the only thing left to do is play the game. All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players (Shakespeare).

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