It's been awhile. I'm slowly sipping on some Gatorade because I have been getting over a gnarly stomach bug. I have no energy. I slept all day. I didn't go to work. Kind of a shitty day.
It's been same ole same ole here for the most part. I've got the job that doesn't pay enough money. I try to get up to some stuff when I'm not working but it's mostly the tried and true walking the dog, reading, music. I try to sneak some novelty in there where I can. I try to sneak some human connection in there where I can. The job seems to be a constant struggle with burnout. Some days I'm in the danger zone of burnout while others if I'm making music life feels ok.
Writing out the mundane existence that is my life isn't as fun as it used to be. Maybe my expectations were too high.
I was going to get a MacBook Pro and Logic Pro because Ableton Live 11 Intro is too limited but instead I made a great maneuver and got Reaper. Reaper is not limited for me whatsoever. From my point of view it appears to be limitless and nicer to use than Ableton. Just my opinion. I've been plugging in my guitar directly into the interface and I have so many amps and pedals to choose from it's great. There is even a digital Drop pedal which I haven't tried yet but it's $5. I've been mostly playing my 6 string electric. I got burnt out on my bass practicing Hal Leonard's Method Book and my sister came into town and I had to pack away the guitars and amps and I've just been picking up the 6 string electric. I am not sure if this is the way to go about learning the bass and 6 string electric. It's just what happened.
I've been reading a lot. Lately, it's been Hermann Hesse. Never read him before recently. I read Steppenwolf and Siddhartha and now I am readng Narcissus and Goldmund.
I guess it wouldn't be a RiKD blog if I didn't post some music:
Ok. That felt ok. Kind of like I was just coloring in the numbers but ok. I felt like I had to give it a go but honestly there are better things I could do with my time even if I am getting over a stomach bug.
We have drifted into a new season: Fall. I have employment. I feel like Bojack running up the hill.
I ate a bunch of food when I got home tonight. The only thing I want to do these days is read Roberto Boloña. I have to let that food settle for a bit. I have to let my thoughts settle for a bit. I didn't eat so much food that it was straight up terrible emotional eating I was just hungry but regardless I have to let it all settle. Working a late shift is always a bit awkward with sleep and eating. At least I have tomorrow off. The job was really killing me. My body couldn't handle all the bending, twisting, turning, and reaching. I was taking Tylenol and doing my best to rest up. THERE IS NO REST ONLY REST FOR WORKING! I think I just need to continue taking it day by day. Tonight was honestly pretty slow it wasn't too bad. I didn't need to take Tylenol or lie down.
I am grateful to still be alive but I do not know if I would rather have not been born. There is something in life. A human soul. A human spirit. It would be a tragedy to extinguish that. That is where my mind wanders. There is not really much pleasure in this job. It's not some project that seems worthwhile. The fact that I am an essential worker doesn't really make it any better. The problem with suicide is it is so god damn violent. Even going up Canada to sit in one of those machines that gasses me to death in 30 seconds is terrifying to me. I wouldn't want my parents to walk in on me dead: Slit wrists or hanging or shotgun blast or whatever. Sometimes in my mind it's inevitable. Especially from these years from 40-55 or so.
At least I have Roberto Boloña and my dog and my cat and my family. The Solitude never happened because I was working. Trapped in an establishment dealing with customers all day is the opposite of a Solitude. I wrote 0 words. I did read a lot though. White Noise by Don Delillo and Freedom by Jonathan Franzen were pretty great. Roberto Boloña is better.
I'm just navigating through this early Autumn. The weather gets very pleasant down here at this time. I have a lot of things to be grateful for. It just never feels that way for me. At least I have a day off tomorrow. That is what I am living for. The fleeting days off. Which so far were so anxiety ridden and frazzled and fragmented. I am just hoping I will adapt to the job. It's such a big part of my life now it's kind of jolting and revolting. I am used to lying in bed reading all day, taking the dog for walks, and generally being pretty idle. It is difficult to let go of frantic speed for hours upon hours. I am hoping I will adapt to the job. I wish there was an andante lightswitch I could hit when I'm not on the clock. It's still rest for work no matter how one slices it. There is no escape, there is no avoidance. Unfortunately, it has to be done. Which it is the adult thing to do. Even though it is embarrassing I'm surrounded by kids. It's not like I dropped out of high school to play poker. I have a degree. I'm not a dummy or maybe I am. It probably wouldn't even bother me if I had some sort of progress in the arts. 2 unpublished novellas in 2 years seems like the opposite of productive although I try not to look at it in the light of production. Production is for factories. I just want to live. I just want to live.
I am just going to share where I am at. The most gangster thing I could have done would have been to never post again.
My parents went on a cruise for 3 weeks and I am alone. The only time I have left the house was to get groceries and medications. I thought this would be a time of great creativity. There is this idea that solitude breeds creative output. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me.
I am not Van Gogh.
I am not Einstein.
I am not Tesla.
I am not Gallileo.
I am not Nietzsche.
Sure, I played some guitar, I created music on Ableton, I did some paintings, I started on a story. It did not feel all that fruitful. I was happier giving the dog a walk and passed a lot of time watching Netflix/YouTube.
AA
I had a friend who was shaming me for not having a sponsor so I asked him to be my sponsor. He was shaming me for not going to meetings so I went to a meeting. I realized it had been 2 years since I had been to a meeting. I did not enjoy the meetings I went to so I have not gone to any more meetings. I realize I've had this weird relationsip with AA for a long time. It may or may not ever get resolved. It is one of those things that may just stay unresolved.
Music
I had made a few demos that I liked so I thought I would continue that momentum into solitude. Nope. I grew tired of the drums on Ableton. The drum tones generally suck especially compared to a live drum set. I don't have access to drums and can't play what I would want to record so drums are out. What I was really fixating on though was getting a bass. The bass tones on Ableton are shit. I created some of my own on a plug-in that I thought were groovy but that gets old and then to have to play them on a MIDI controller (keyboard) is bleh. I can't play the piano. I don't know music theory. My guitar playing is beginner level.
I am not Kevin Parker (Tame Impala)
I am not Dan Snaith (Caribou)
I am not Beethoven
I still want a bass but have no money. Similar to the time I wanted to downtune my guitar and get a fuzz guitar pedal and play Boris. What will be next?
Reading
I read Anti-Oedipus Schizophrenia and Capitalism by Deleuze and Guattari. That's a difficult fucking text! Quite thrilling to read though. Now, I am on A Thousand Plateaus by D & G (ATP). I have gotten some of the secondary sources. D & G suggest to read ATP like one would listen to a record. So, I just read some chapters and skimmed through it. I am not sure if I want to really dig into this one.
***
I am still trying to find myself. There is no such thing as authenticity. Only authority and advertising and trends (seduction). That still does not mean we cannot examine life and continue to examine life and ourselves. This life is a simulated blur. Some hours feel like days yet the days and weeks slip by.
I know I need a job to surive. I know I need a job for any chance at independence. I am not happy about being a parasitic incel loser but I take the actions of a parasitic incel loser. I am the sum of my actions.
I want to get to the point where I don't need anything but that is impossible. I need money. I don't need marriage, I don't need kids, I don't even need a girlfriend but I need money.
Contact Users: 805 Active, 1 Logged in - Time: 04:51
,
,
,
,