RiKD, May 22 2018
My brother and sister-in-law are happy and docile. They go to their high paying multinational corporate jobs, come home to their giant house to take care of their 2 year old and then watch tv until they go to sleep. I don't get it. I've always been a bit of a wild child. L'enfant sauvage but I am confused about the meaning of sauvage. Gojira's lead singer says it is more about being feral and untouched by civilization. I was very much civilized as a youth but I always remained very much wild. I have had streaks of docility usually with even stronger streaks of rebellion and disobedience. I had to really respect the person and/or really need help to reach any level of docile. Which caused problems in the corporate structure. I remember the NAFTA Sales Director urging us to "really grab your customers by the balls." To manipulate them in any way we could in order to get the purchase order. I didn't want to manipulate my customers or grab them by the balls. The most successful salesman in the area was a direct competitor. He was a former NFL linebacker. A professional in hurting his competitors by any means necessary. Most of my customers adored him as he was an All-American for Notre Dame University which was just a short trip up the road. I took it as a challenge. I was up every day at 4:45am to lace up the bootstraps and get to work. Why? I don't know. I wanted to be President of the company. I wanted a penthouse in Lincoln Park, Chicago, and in some ways it was just for the spirit of it all. I fucking loved watching those hot slabs of steel roll out of the mill.
Every day was gameday. Everyday was like marching into battle. I was connecting with people, I was really helping out the mill, I was helping my friends get promotions. I was getting promotions. I loved to drink. I drank too much. That was my anesthesia. I suppose for a stretch there I was happy but I was not docile. I was still very much a wild child. I remember there was a part of the mill that was super muddy from all the rain. I started speeding around doing fish tails. No one fucking cared. They thought it was funny. That's because most people in the steel industry are wild childs. Are a bit nuts. I loved that. You have to be a bit nuts to be cooped up in a steel mill dealing with 3,000 F steel all day. In fact in one of the mills they all laughed and joked about it being a mental institution. The biggest reason that the union typically gets what it wants is that it would be disaster to let all these union guys out into civilization.
I was constantly butting heads with my manager. He was always making metaphors that I was a stallion that he was going to break. I would make metaphors that he was never going to fucking break me. We were getting business though. Not really getting paid in accordance to that business but we were both getting business and getting paid. I had the most profitable account per capita in NAFTA so could swing my dick around a little bit but I did understand that a lot of that was with help from my manager. I was good at getting people fired up about stuff but I am not a ruthless businessman or a psychopath. My manager was. So, we basically had an agreement where I would do my thing and then call him up when the deal needed to get closed. It was a good agreement. Him and his boss basically told me to manage my business. I never even received one phone call from my boss's boss.
Anyways.... I am kind of going off on a tangent here of memories. The All-American from Notre Dame eventually woke up, bought out some of our key guys, and started bribing all the right people. We ended up losing the largest business contract. A lot of people at that point liked me a lot so were throwing me bones with out much work needed from me. I had enough business to cruise. I knew this. My boss knew I knew this. I used the extra time to drink. I became more than just a heavy drinker. The workaholic aspect just turned into straight alcoholic.
I guess part of that story is that the patriarchy ganged up on me. I was certainly not very happy during my negotiations for a salary position. It was 5 rich, white guys and the corporate contract lawyers vs. me. I wouldn't say they broke me they just sort of fleeced and exploited me. You know, there is no real way in which someone lower on the totem pole can exploit a corporation. At least in my position. What could I do? I could cheat on my expense account. Maybe get an extra $50 out of it a week. So, maybe $3,000 over the course of a year? That's nothing compared to how a corporation can exploit its workers. It goes further than just dollar amounts. My mental health was ruined. The whole culture broke me but only for so long. Just because I take lithium and abilify doesn't mean I can't wile out. I am still not easily controlled. If anything I am more woke than ever. That doesn't help me pay my bills.
The people in power don't want to give it up and as long as most of the population is "happy" and docile nothing will change.
My aunt is high up in Siemans corporation. Her plan when she retires is to buy another house (they already have 2) and interior decorate it. *Click click click* Agonizing for months over which couch best expresses her true self. I am pretty sure she takes boatloads of anxiety pills and/or vino every day and night just to get through existence. I made $10k last year and am sitting in an Ikea computer chair with a broken arm and am pretty content with my position. It doesn't actually suck to be unemployed if you have stuff to do. What sucks is the looming fear that yeah eventually I will have to make money again.
Man, so, people always ask me "Well, what do you REALLY want to do?" or "What did you want to do when you were younger?" My answers are actor, musician, soccer player, artist, architect. There are reasons for those not panning out and none of those are something I could just sort of pick up again and make a living at today. Maybe a better question is "What is good for you?" We can maybe start working with that. A lot of people hear that I have a degree in history and suggest that I become a history teacher. I never really wanted to do that. I don't want to be confined by a high school curriculum. Well, what about a history professor? I don't know if I like the specialization. Never have. So, where does that leave me?
$12/hr at Whole Foods, going to AA meetings I don't like, and posting blogs on LP. YIPEEEE!!!!
RiKD, May 19 2018
So, I figure maybe I kick this blog off with something that would really offend vegans or Jordan Peterson fans or capitalist fans but I really just want to pass the time while waking up and digesting some food. I have been digesting a lot lately. There has been good discussion on here and I am reading "On Complexity" by Edgar Morin and "The Dispossessed: An Ambiguous Utopian Story."
"On Complexity" is good. Most of the reading I am just like "ok," "fair enough," "yeah, that's true." Like, I continue to read in hopes that it is a precursor to better stuff. The physics and the biology I already know. I want to get to anthropological insights and what all this means for the earth, culture, people and the future. Many times I feel I should have a dictionary handy but I just kind of wing it through context and memory. Morin is clearly a brilliant dude.
I am really enjoying "The Dispossessed." I could write more. If you are into sci-fi or anarchy it's definitely worth a look.
Something I was thinking about is putting my History degree to use and writing a dissertation on finding the truth about Marx, Communism, The Russian and Chinese State, Lenin and Mao, and the 100 million number. Maybe touch on where all this anti-communism rhetoric stems from. It's something that is kind of fascinating me. Like libertarian communism/socialist anarchy could actually work.
Edgar Morin is a history major! But, you won't find me getting any degrees in economics or law. Bro, 500 person lectures taught by some foreign dude that barely speaks English only at the university to do research mumbling through powerpoint presentations on Neoliberal economics..................... Bro, I'll download the powerpoints and skim them and never go to class and get an A. That is what university is supposed to be???????
Fucking law. Fucking lawyers. That is what most people thought I would do. *Shudder*
Actually, every male in my family except me in the US is either a chemist, an engineer, or both. Well, my brother has a PhD in theoretical nuclear physics and is a data scientist but it's still math and science. Actually, now that I think about it every male in my generation has a PhD in a science except me. I wanted to be an artist, designer (houses, shoes, clothes), or soccer player. I'm a bit of an oddball. I loved history because it was a search of the truth. We get to play detective and solve mysteries. It's tricky though because if you look at say a slave in the 1700s they don't really have a voice. They couldn't speak honestly. Many times you are doing guesswork with other historians' work and sources. I want to do more than just history though. The knowledge base that an Edgar Morin has is a bit overwhelming but I like what he is doing. I always enjoyed physics but I never really like biology. Anthropology I absolutely love. I was thinking of going back to graduate school for Anthropology. Or, maybe some kind of dual or multifaceted degree. But, maybe I don't need to do that. Maybe I just need to continue studying Edgar Morin. Loco, you should go back to school and study Morin and French to English translation. That actually seems like a very worthwhile endeavor. The US, UK, Australia, et al. BADLY need some Morin injected into the culture.
So, I had a $100k month in plo in the past and in 2017 I made $10k in grocery stores and restaurants... Is that my dream? To live under the poverty line working shit jobs? It's really not so bad when you are in it. I cut some produce, I cook some food, I like who I am working with. The stuff I did goes out on the line and gets served to customers and they enjoy it. It really isn't a horrible way to spend a day. I come home and I hang out with friends or do whatever. I wouldn't be reading "On Complexity" if I still had a job. One must be dedicated or unemployed to read books like that. "Being and Nothingness," "Theory of Justice," "The Republic." These books typically don't get read by people working 40+ hours a week.
I think maybe I just continue on the path. I have enough money to last me 2-3 months, more if I live like a monk. I don't really mind living like a monk to be honest. It's simpler. I don't get caught up in as much self-centered craving. When I work I want to spend all my money. Make the anguish of work "worthwhile." I need more anesthesia for the pain. I get caught up in capitalist culture. A want to express myself through clothing and "stuff." Liberation through a great orgasm that only lasts maybe 5 seconds with an after glow of maybe 15 min. No, I don't want to go back to work for a corporation. Not until I absolutely have to.
RiKD, May 15 2018
Why do I covet these?
Alyx Hiking Boot
I think they are beautiful. I think they are the future. What does that even MEAN?!?!
$700+ with taxes. Really?!?!?!?!?!
What about something like this:
Vivobarefoot Hiking Boot
Pretty krunk and half the price.
Too many to look at in the $100-$200 range. It's all brand recognition bull shit anyways. IT'S ALL BRAND RECOGNITION BULLSHIT!
Like having a a pair of $700 Alyx boots instantly makes me cool................... but people fall for it. What are those???? I like those????? Yeah, I only had to spend a paycheck on them............................
Man, I am liking my freedom so far but I will eventually run out of money. That brings me some anxiety. There is some anguish in the downtimes but training, going on walks with my family, reading novels and Edgar Morin just seems like what I should be doing at this point in time. I realized I really don't need tattoos, chelsea boots, and leather jackets. I don't need $100 meals. There are enough women that are receptive without me having those things. AND, why am I so concerned about getting validated by women anyway? That is a recipe for shit. Find a dope chick I like spending time with and spend time with her when I feel like it. That is it. I am not running for President of Tinder. I don't need to win the electoral college vote. A lot of women on there are pretty basic and not desirable to date. I am confident this isn't rationalizing either.
Anyways, I don't have anything else to say for now.