State of things
RiKD, Mar 15 2018
I feel like things are not that good? I mean I continue to write blog posts that few will read and almost none comment on. I mean that is a small part of my life but I think it takes power from me. I really think being on facebook is disempowering as well. It's just bullshit I don't need. Who to add, who to not add. I haven't seen any events that I am missing out on yet either. The most de-energizing is to get caught just scrolling through my feed like a mindless zombie just not even entertained or really just pissed off I got hooked. Fuck it. I'll use it as email and patiently wait for all these events I'm supposedly missing out on.
What I need to be doing is crushing it at work and then get over to the Charleston Tibetan Center to do some meditation under the guidance of a Buddhist teacher and then grab some dinner with a friend at a bomb ass diner.
Blogging kind of feels like a junk activity. I will probably still do it just because I am hooked but right now I am not happy about it. So, I will stop.
It's my birthday today
RiKD, Mar 05 2018
I turned 34 today. I have celebrated by going to a therapist appointment, picking up my car in the shop, paying a $600 car bill, and then coming home to have some lunch and then finally to have a wank to r/gonewild. I think it's more interesting just to look at and observe. I feel a similar feeling to when I eat a fast food burger and fries with a huge sweet tea. Which I haven't done in two months which is pretty good. So, I am still trying to get outside myself and looking for instant gratification. I really want to do shroom therapy. I wish that was more of a thing.
So, my relationship with AA and the people in AA seems like a tenuous one. My therapist recommended that I go to different recovery like something called Refuge Recovery. She also suggested that I volunteer in something I am passionate about. The first thing that came out of my mouth was homeless people and addicts. I think that is probably true. Why not attempt to help some of the people that have been beaten down and battered by the system? Does anyone on here volunteer? I would be interested in the possibilities.
I ate so much chocolate cake last night it feels like I gained 5 lbs. I wouldn't say my campaign to drop some body fat is hopeless but it certainly could be going better. Also, when I went for a run I acquired hideous shin splints and had to stop running at about 2 miles in. On the bright side the cardio wasn't an issue so that is good. I was running pretty slow though. Hopefully, the shin splints subside but I am not sure why they would unless I change something.
I don't get controlled or dominated at work so that is good. A part of me longs for more meaningful work though. I know we probably don't want to go down this road as we have been already it's just something that came to my mind and something I have to remedy. Volunteering could potentially help with this problem. I still need something that is going to cover rent, food, car expenses, dental work, etc etc etc. I was really doing pretty well until I ran over a nail and went to the dentist for the first time in a long time. I had first and last month's rent with a security deposit but my current income just can't cover it. I guess I just have to accept that and put in the work to likely improve the situation or don't and continue to live with my parents. We have almost certainly been through this before. How does it feel to be 34 and living with my parents? If I remove the ego it really isn't that bad.
Connecting with people sounds so easy on paper but it is actually pretty damn difficult to do.
Do I have hope in my future? I really don't know. I think I might be getting a little depressed and I have been dealing with anxiety. It fucking sucks. Life is hard sometimes.
Wow, what an uplifting birthday post.
I am at a turning point. I am stuck in Charleston, SC. I do not have the funds to move somewhere anytime soon. So, I make the best of it and attempt to make it home or at least an understanding that it is a base and I need the training here. Or, I just drift miserably through life as if this place is a prison or purgatory. The hardest part about depression and anxiety is that it hinders connection. Connection is the last fucking thing you want to do but reconnecting in certain areas are the only anti-depressants that actually work.
RiKD, Mar 03 2018
I just finished this book and it was ok. Basically, reconnect to people, meaningful work, meaningful values, do shrooms and meditate, overcome trauma, etc. A lot of what the book was saying is that the social constructs of our world create depression and anxiety. There is a reason we are depressed and anxious and it is because of the world around us. So, it's a tough one because a lot of this stuff is kind of far fetched. One guy was miserable working in a hierarchical bike shop so he started his own bike shop collective. Everyone was happier. Stories like that are great but not always transferrable. Things like avoiding advertising or just understanding that the chase for material goods and status may only bring more depression and anxiety. Another far fetched one was shroom therapy. I would love shroom therapy and I am actually going to ask my psychiatrist about it the next time I talk to her but I am not a good candidate because of my mania unfortunately (I asked my last psychiatrist). Just going out and buying a bunch of shrooms and tripping by myself doesn't seem to have the same therapeutic value as a trip led by an expert.
It actually isn't that easy (for me) to connect with people here. I have met some cool people in AA. The thing about AA is most of those folks believe that a God is controlling their will and they can manipulate that with prayer and are pretty adamant about it. It can be kind of tough to fit in at a deeper level when I hold pretty much atheist compatibilist views. We have so much more in common than that difference but it just seems like that difference is basically the foundation of AA. I can feel the depression and the anxiety coming on a little bit as I sleep more and my days consist mostly of going to work and isolating at home. Jiu jitsu cures all (except injuries accrued through jiu jitsu).
I am getting to know the people down there at the BJJ gym. It helps that it is a smaller gym. Sometimes I worry I am losing respect as a training partner because I am so bad. One guy said we should pick up the pace but he doesn't understand I may not have that pace in my repertoire. Eh, I mean it's all ego killing. Anytime I enter the mats I am vulnerable. My ego is going to be hurt in some way. I think it is good for me.
Overcoming addiction to the self. Sometimes I get the urge to write blogs like this. Just to kind of formulate my thoughts or whatever. Looking back the practice seems a little self-obsessed but I am really just trying to get through some things, maybe grow as a person, or figure something out. I don't know if it accomplishes that or anything. I am just trying to reconnect to what I can reconnect to. Depression and anxiety is no fun. Addiction is no fun.
In AA one of the parts of the "illness" is the "spiritual malady" which in the book they basically describe as a lack of God but from my experiences that malady is basically depression and anxiety. Alcohol is an anti-depressant for as long as it works but what we need is this reconnection that Johann Hari is talking about.