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Late Night Thoughts
  RiKD, Nov 21 2017

A lot of my life is negotiating with the word enough. What is enough? I have trouble with enough.

I just float around the meetings helping people if I can and meeting people if I can. Sometimes I can help someone and time keeps on slipping into the future. We go out for burgers on Monday nights and that is a good time. I met a vegan today. It was funny how the guys are all trying to be masculine and talk about meat eating. She brought up that she is making a vegan sweet potato casserole with sweet potatoes from her mother's garden and I thought that sounded INCREDIBLE. All the other guys were ripping on it and saying it sounds gross. I don't have a crush on her but she is a pretty cool chick. That is the thing though we have a good 2 hours and time keeps on slipping slipping slipping into the future. I watch some Bojack Horseman and become one and time keeps on slipping. Now, I get some words down and later maybe I read some "Money" by Martin Amis. All great ways to spend some time. Before I know it I will be back at the restaurant prepping food. Cutting 2 cases of mozzarella pays for about a third tank of gas. Making some meatballs pays for 2 weeks of Monday night dinners and fun. Cutting grape tomatoes pays for a week's worth of meeting donations. That is how I have to think about it. I really should be doing a better job of seeing what is out there. I am not better than what I am doing but there is better out there that I can be doing.

That really may be the best I get. Helping someone, dinner with friends, Bojack Horseman, "Money" by Martin Amis. I used to experience euphoria. It was so so fleeting. Maybe I get 20 speed and vodkas deep and catch the peak of a great joint and "Adagio for Strings" comes on at a massive Tiesto concert. Doing goood ecstasy for the first time at a bomb ass rave. Those are just some that come to mind. The high can last a while but then it's over. Life hangovers. At some point I am going to need a better job if... if... I need this because.... I need this or else.... What the fuck? What do we really need really?

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F*ck you f*cks
  RiKD, Nov 13 2017

So, I think I am a little irritable right now. I am really only writing this because I have 40 min. until I can watch Curb Your Enthusiasm but I have some thoughts to unload so here we go:

Do we get to choose meaning or does meaning find us???

I can say hey there is a cute kitten that was in a horrible hoarding situation and needs a home. I don't really know if it will provide meaning. Maybe the meaning doesn't kick in until later. I am taking care of this kitten and it is getting better and we are bonding and I love it even more. Now, I am feeling some meaning. That my existence is not completely insignificant. I mean it is insignificant but at least on this Earth it does not feel that way. It is Sartre's idea that we are free and autonomous to choose the life that we want. Can we pick out our meanings? Are enough meaningful endeavors pretty much known at this point or is it completely individualistic in what will tickle the fancy?

I have been talking a lot about love songs and songs. I guess there is a song for everything but there certainly seems to be a lot of songs about love. There are certainly a lot of advertisements about getting the one. I have never really been magically in love with someone that loves me back so I really can't speak on it to be honest but these songs just seem to be capturing that which I can understand but that is not how the world works. That has got to be fleeting just like every other damn positive thing on this planet. I think this boils down to do I need to get laid? Will a partner make me "happier"? I don't even think I am in the business of searching for happiness anymore. There is some more fleeting bullshit. Give me some self-esteem, some peace, some contentment, I enjoy conversations, deadlifting, and fucking some prime piece of ass. Yup, that came out. Am I conditioned to crave that. It's a fucking drug and I am an addict. Fuck.

I titled this blog "Fuck you fucks" because I just thought it was funny. Has anyone told you to go fuck yourself today? Oh no? Go fuck yourself. I have a buddy that that is his thing. Whatever. I am writing shit down and fuck off you fucks.

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Experience and reflection
  RiKD, Oct 17 2017

I think I have seen in many places in many times of my life that we learn through experience and reflection. I went to the zoo today. I didn't want to go to the zoo. Why would I want to see a bunch of animals in captivity? It was an ok walk around. Most of the animals were just chilling. I think like sloths, koalas, and even lions were probably made for a zoo experience. Certainly any of the rescue animals that could not live in the wild belong there but then why the hell do they let them reproduce? I look at a rhino that is just about catatonic in there by himself and I think why? It was enjoyable to see the monkeys playing. They need some jiu jitsu though. Ground game was real weak. Then I go to the gorilla cages and it is depressing. That is when the feeling of captivity hits the hardest. They are large, dumb humans laying down in despair, sitting staring out the cage with faces of hopelessness.

Fast food and porn, fast food and porn, all i want is fast food and porn. Get me a burger and fries and a coke and some Tera Patrick. Some fried chicken and sweet tea and some Penny Flame. I think I'm through the worst of it after inhaling some Five Guys. There wasn't even really any pleasure. I was boarding a plane so not wise to have a wank and I just got an internet connection but am sharing a 2br place with 5 other people at the moment. I am not that addicted that I have to figure out a way. I used to just watch it for hours. Now, I am watching it like it is cinema looking for good shots, good dirty talk, etc. It's not much of a fruitful endeavor.

That whole life goes further as I enter into Big Box mania today. So much consumption. I just needed a costume for a costume party and I wanted it to be cool. There is a big party downtown and I want to be cool in the off chance a woman that wants to have sex sees my tribe and sees me and abides. I am going to be a pirate. Halloween was like one of the days that women especially like getting drunk and laid. It would have been so much easier to just drink rum all night and put on a pirate voice and really say whatever the fuck I want as I am a fucking scallywag pirate. I think I can still pull it off it's just a lot easier with the rum. I lose a bit of my charisma in bars when I am not drinking. Anyone would. I use to hold a certain charisma in my hey day. I really knew how to drink. I really think now a days it is all about dating online for me. The norm. Have some dates and progress it along. I shouldn't even be thinking about one night stands but I still do. My real shot is a lot of people are probably going out and if a friend of a sibling or friend is a real slut... I mean that in a good way... A women that knows what she wants and gets it is a good quality... but I am supposed to be past these compulsions. I was reading some buddhism yesterday that talked about the art of refraining. Allowing the gaps to be there. No fidgeting or anything. I shouldn't even be projecting out these fantasies of meeting some girl in a slutty cat outfit. It really does me no good. So, how valuable is reflection?

How valuable is reflection?

That is just what is coming out. I am about to go to a really great Spanish restaurant pretty soon. My sister knows the sous chef and he is going to hook us up. I usually get the paella. It will be nice to have a plate of food like that instead of the fast food I have been gorging on. Tomato based sauce with bell peppers and onions and the like. I don't really need the sex or the porn. If I go back to Pittsburgh this week some friends with benefit sex would probably be healthy for me. I mean the one night stuff can be ok too but a lot of times it can be a bit heavy on the compulsive pleasure seeking which I think can make it better. It's not fun to have like a half of a burger, a couple of fries, and save the milkshake for later. Give me the burger, the fries, the milkshake, a few shots of whiskey, a couple of lines, a couple of parachutes of molly, and a big breasted hottie that loves to give blowjobs. I said hottie. That's stupid. I gotta go. Take care.

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