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Looks or Game Part II
  RiKD, Nov 10 2022

Loco wrote:

  "All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love." - Spinoza

As always, what you are looking for is connection. I highly doubt that coding is the path to follow to get that. The people who follow that path probably already have that in their lives, had already heavily invested in this path earlier in life, or don't really need it (autistic, schizoid). Focus on meeting your needs the best you can now, not with the long-shots of things that could afford you with more financial independence down the (long) road.

  An intimate connection, yeah. Seeing someone for who they are and being seen by someone for who you are. Being accepted and validated. Physical touch and sex are not necessarily intimate. The only thing that has kept me going was the possibility of finding this connection, and the idea of preparing myself for it. It's difficult to put yourself out there, make yourself available and deal with rejection, but it has to be done at some point if you don't want to keep running on empty forever. You need it more than the money and whatever else there is.

I can not dispute these claims.

I don't know if I actually need a looks or game thread but I find myself pretty bored.

I don't have a whole lot in the looks department besides being tall. I don't think I am being delusional when I say I can dress well. Game. I don't think I am a silver tongued hero sober. I am pretty shy and reserved yet funny. Anyways, I know that all of that matters but it really boils down to finding some social sphere I can feel comfortable with and stand out in. That is the opportunity. That is the problem. Probably the biggest thing that hinders me is that I live at home with my parents. Not impossible to make friends but not near ideal for dating prospects. I could also forego having friends at all and pay sex workers to talk to me.

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I feel like a blog
  RiKD, Nov 02 2022

I feel like a blog. I have been pretty good about NOT blogging so far on vacation but my brother is playing World of Warcraft where I am sleeping so sleep is not a great option. I decided since I actually have some time and energy I am going to read The Phenomenology of Spirit by G.F.W. Hegel. I doubt I'll get through it all in time but maybe I will. That is a difficult one to try and read at night after a long day of work when the willpower, focus, energy is gone. It's not so bad when I am just lounging during the day when all my family members are at work. I have mostly been lounging. It's a great life until the money runs out. Playing guitar, reading Hegel, going for walks in the deep forest, these are all great ways for me to spend time, energy, focus. I started coding again too but that has been tepid. Well, worse than tepid. I forgot how to link the directory of .py files to my power shell/terminal so I can run them. It's exercise 0 and it does not tell me how to do this.

Of course, it is nice not having to slave away for 40 hours in a week. When I go back I am scheduled for 6 days in a row which is pretty bad. Sometimes it feels like I am squandering my vacation a bit with how chill it has been but thankfully I have not been thinking about that too much because it honestly does not matter. Whether I am busy or not does not matter. It feels like this vacation is more than rest to perform better at work but simply rest, idleness, etc. for the sake of leisure. How I wish most of my time were. It seems to take 2 or 3 days to get in that zone with the knowledge that there will be a week or more of similar time.

My siblings all have their own lives in this city with their respective jobs and small children. It's nice seeing them but there is no great connection really. They are all busy with performance at their jobs and attempting to raise small children. That is no small feat. I am mostly quiet by nature. I wish not to engage in chatter. I think my siblings understand this which is a good thing. It's just tough. I already said it but they are at work or tending to small children. I am 3rd fiddle.

It's all good though. It's all good. It's really not but it really is ok. Ok. It's fine. I don't expect to be doing all this grand stuff or have amazing interactions all the time. The coding thing really kind of irks me though. I don't even remember how to do exercise 0 and it holds me up from doing all the other ones which I know how to do I just have to go through them again.

I am taking a longer walk through a deeper forest tomorrow which makes me happy. I don't have to wake up to an alarm clock or take a shower right away. Little things like that make me incredibly happy. I think I am going to grow out my hair again.

It's kind of weird actually during the work week. I don't see any of my siblings until they are tired and worn out for a little bit after work then they have to take care of their kids so I have really had to be independent on this vacation. At least I was ready for it.

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The Hunger for Fulfillment
  RiKD, Oct 14 2022

I have a cat named Pico. He is a little feisty guy. A runt of a litter. 1 of 30 cats and 30 dogs. Little Pico had to fend for his life eating any scraps he could find. The assholes burned the house down. Lucky little Pico was found. Then we found him. He has the most beautiful green eyes. We quickly found out if any food was left out it would be eaten. The only thing he will not eat is grapes and almonds and that is about it.

I was feeling particularly empty today. I slept most of the day and did chores/errands that absolutely had to be done. The only thing of note was starting to learn how to play slide guitar which is pretty fun. I think my problem is I have too much hunger for fulfillment. I am a fulfillment junky. My life is in such a state that fulfillment is not easy or I am expecting fulfillment to be easy when sometimes it is easy but probably most times it is not. Masturbating to pornography is fulfilling in the sense that it is pleasurable especially at orgasm but pornography is rather vulgar. The old saying goes that masturbation is great if you want masturbation but largely lacking if you want something more.

I enjoy the little things in life. I like a good trance. Pink skies. There are plenty of things to like that surprise and are easy. There are plenty of things in life that are difficult yet rewarding. I don't feel that I get much fulfillment at work. It's just a never ending cycle. There is another promotion available at work and that has been stressing me out. It would be a lot of work on the cash register and taking manager calls. I think the register and taking calls are two things I don't want to do.

I look around and try to find things that are looking up in my life but it's hard for me to find them. I could just be a bit depressed. The mind can play tricks. It's like do I really want to do the whole show of showing up to some AA meetings and going out afterwards only to retreat to my room once again? Disappearing from the scene once again. You would think after like 5 years of that I would have figured something out. The only thing I can figure out now is to play the guitar like I don't have another day to live and compose music in whatever place I may be at the time.

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