What do I want?
RiKD, Apr 21 2018
So, I just watched "Carmina Burana" to ballet and it was fucking brilliant. Between the Lebanese coffee and the show I am like pumped up. Oh man, "O Fortuna" is like overwhelming and there was a piece after the fall where there is a learned balance between the pitfalls of earthly pleasures and awareness that was so blissful. I had tears steaming down my face. The costumes were incredible as well as the lighting. You can't ignore the beauty and grace in the dancers. Such remarkable symmetry. But what do I want? I want to fuck a bad bitch like Kleio Valentine (NSFW).
Tinder and Snapchat is the new Liquidpoker and r/gonewild for me. It's just different things substituted. I smell some pussy and I am planning on which chelsea boots to buy, which leather jacket to buy, my next tattoo while forgetting I still live at home with my parents and have dental bills and yada yada yada. I have a date with a girl that we'll find out what she is actually going to look like when she shows up. She is pretty cool though so I figure we'll give it a shot. I have to get some more/(better) pics up on tinder. I would like a nice influx of matches always coming in. I don't want to get tinder plus until I have a better profile and some more experience under my belt. You see this? All the plans and fantasies. I'm a fucking maniac. I really should sit and breathe more. So, many people fucking say that. I guess I am a little restless at the moment. I want so bad to win at life and I have too many plans and fantasies and I don't even know what my priorities are. I know my first priority is I really can't drink alcohol or do drugs. Shit is fucked if I do. I think renunciation of the material is such a tricky one. It is like people in overeaters anonymous. A little different because I absolutely need to eat to survive but do I really need to go to the lengths of buddhist monk and completely abstain from the material? The other end is broke me in dope outfits.
So, I RSVP'd to my friend's wedding and tried on my suit. It's tight! Tight as in too tight and barely fits. So, I think it is time to burn some fat. I am not quite where I would like to be in the muscle aspect but I think it is more important to burn fat at this point. That means less food and more cardio.
Some topics in here for sure. I just needed to get some stuff out of my brain. What do I really want? AA tells me peace and serenity. I think that is about right.
Death and Taxes
RiKD, Apr 15 2018
Death is certain. The timing of it is uncertain. Impermanence abounds. Even stars die on a long enough time line. We get to the meagerest of triple digits if we are lucky and/or extremely prudent with our health. I am all about making the most of this time on Earth but I still struggle with it. Anguish and suffering. On one hand it is cool to sit and be with the breath on another hand I just did my taxes and I only made $10,000 this year. I know I am on this journey. I don't know if I would call it spiritual. Renunciation of material goods and junk values. But, not many want to date a broke prep cook living with his parents. Maybe I want to date a little bit and have some fun with the fairer sex. Maybe I should just go on meditation retreats to pick up. But, I don't really want to go on meditation retreats.
I am not THAT into buddhism. But, it would be nice to pick up a chick that is a little bit buddhist. Or not. I got some things developing on tinder which is cool. We will see how that goes. Tinder would be infinitely easier if I was in my 20s and fun drinking all the time and adventuring. BUT I'M NOT IN MY 2Os AND I DON'T DRINK. REALITY. DEAL WITH IT.
I kind of came to the conclusion today that my priorities are kind of skewed. Like I am this broke guy carrying too much body fat doing deadlifts. If I want to be more attractive I would be making money and lowering body fat %. But, you know what? Fuck it. I like eating burgers and fries and ice cream. I don't have to have a 6 pack like Tyson Beckford, Brad Pitt, or Matthew McConnaghey.
I should be lifting for me but honestly really? I mean I enjoy it but... but what? I really just want to slide my dick into a wet vagina. I mean that isn't all. I prefer that she be cool or hot or preferably both. There is this woman named Patti Stenger who was on this show I used to watch "Millionaire Mathmaker." She would always say the penis does the picking. I think that is part of the brilliance of tinder in that I know pretty quick if I am attracted to someone. Is this some archaic form of picking? Is it barbaric that I am not reading biographies or not giving many big girls a shot? I will swipe right on a single mom if she is attractive enough, an occasional big girl if she really is "curvy" or "thick," and older women rarely. In a way I am judging the big girls for not being in shape which is valued in society just as wealth and status are valued in society for men. I am the big girl and the single mom on there. Broke dude with shit job is the big girl and single mom of tinder. Not drinking indicates fucking weirdo bore but I can overcome the bore part and I am a bit of a weirdo.
Fuck this I'm going to get some brunch.
RiKD, Mar 31 2018
I don't know. I felt like writing a journal. Figured I would do it on here. If I get comments great. If not then at least I spent some time writing some things out.
I was doing some spring cleaning and found a garbage bag full of what was my sock drawer. I had an excessive amount of condoms in there. I think I bought so many because I got a good deal but also because I thought that was going to be my life when I moved near Chicago. Well, they were sitting in that bag expired before I threw them all away. My clothes too were different. I definitely didn't have it figured out. Will I ever have it figured out? Is all we can hope for is to be present in meditation? I mean I am sitting here writing this blog. I am grasping. I am gasping. Yet, I feel comfortable.
Masturbating and eating too much are probably my biggest vices at this point. That isn't so bad. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks when calling people on the phone. That's weird I don't know where that came from. Similarly, I get anxiety attacks sometimes maybe all of the time when reading in a recovery meeting or if I am going to share. It's just weird and it's frustrating and it's tiresome.
Sometimes going online offers some relief but most of the time it is just nothing. I go to LP and there is almost always nothing nowadays. I go to facebook which I regret getting back on and it is just the same old stuff. Nothing substantial whatsoever. In fact, I am going to deactivate now. Deactivated. Then I go to reddit r/gonewild and just scroll through. Just scroll on through. I don't even masturbate I just scroll. Then sometimes I go to pornhub and just watch clips. Then sometime I masturbate. That pretty much sums up my activities online. When I am in the grips of that cycle if I go through that cycle and get bored with it at some point I am in complete existential despair. I mean not really but it is like the circuitry in my brain can't handle it. I need some type of stimulus. It's basically just what I do when I get home from work. I sit down and get hooked. Then after I eat a meal or something I have to let the food digest a bit before I can lie down and read a book.
And, I am sitting here writing a blog instead of going to an AA meeting and sort of complaining about the whole thing. I have to do something if I don't go to a recovery meeting. Oh man, we have definitely been through this before. I feel like I am growing as a person and figuring some things out but my life can sometimes seem like some vicious loop cycle. It's like one has to figure things out and get ahead of the curve in certain areas. When I got ahead of the curve in poker that was good but I fell behind the curve in other areas that were important. Or, I am just being me. If I am being honest there are just sometimes I'd rather just chill on the internet and read a book than go out with people I don't know too well. What I would really like to do is get really really high and watch some Planet Earth. That's the truth and that's a problem for an addict like me.
Oh well, tomorrow I can deadlift. Everything is right in the world when I am deadlifting. I think my food has digested enough to start reading. Until next time.