RiKD, Jul 22 2021
I am back on Twitter for whatever reason. I suppose the logic is that if I just follow a bunch of dope artists and the sharpest people I know of some good info will flow to me. I saw someone I follow following Riley Reid and I was like "yeah, this could be interesting." Riley Reid and Sasha Grey are two women in porn who I feel like attack it with a certain intensity that just makes a lot of their videos feel more engaging and transcendental. Riley's first thing in her bio is that she is an atheist. Aggro atheists are an interesting bunch. I feel like I qualify as an atheist but maybe not really. The more I have lived the more it feels like something is out there. Aliens for sure somewhere in the universe. I feel like that with what I have experienced the chance of simulation has increased. I really don't know though. What if the biology of rainforests which may seem magical and beyond what anyone can even comprehend at this point could be deemed godlike whatever that means. I don't necessarily feel sorry for those that pray to a patriarchal god. If mental gymnastics can be achieved to the point that Fear in God is the only fear and it can be prayed away then maybe that is not a bad way to go about things. I don't think I will ever make that leap of faith but shit if I could just pray instead of taking an Ativan maybe I should consider that shit.
I was going to do a portion of this blog on the male gaze in porn but I doubt anyone on here is actually interested in that. The only takeaway for LP nerds would be that there is nothing to be learned for guys from male gaze porn. It's actually the opposite. Buy some books or videos that actually focus on having good sex. Not some pumped up bro with a mutant penis pounding away to the degree that it produces a clapping sound for 6 minutes then the guy jizzes into the starlett's eyeball. That is terrible. I think most people on this site are in their 30s if there even are people still on this site so maybe everyone gets it by this point but posting for those that maybe didn't know male gaze porn is not how to learn sex.
RiKD, Jul 20 2021
I am constantly re-starting. I still keep my xp points, skill points, and loot I have just been re-starting lately.
I re-built up The Nerd Machine (my desktop computer). It's pretty rag tag. Best Gateway Gaming Desktop from 2009 and potentially a Samsung 20'' Monitor from 2006 (lol). I really enjoy my blue switch key keyboard and new Razer mouse. There was a Warcraft III Battle Chest collecting dust in my bookshelf I had to open and play. I am trash especially compared to like Moon and Lawliet but I did remember most of the hotkeys. One time I pressed "T" with a Keeper for "Treants" but it's the lvl 6 move Tranquility that started "healing" my entire army who was at full life and out of danger. Also, I feel like the keyboard setup was slightly different because I kept hitting "v" for Death Knight coil which is OBVI "C" for any Death Knight users out there. I was typically random back in the day except my Human was pretty bad compared to the other 3. Oh well, I got fairly addicted to it where the only thing I wanted to do was play Warcraft III (TFT) but then got like really sick of it when the nostalgia wore off. There is like only so many fun builds against each race and no hope of me surpassing INFI so it just got kind of stupid.
My time is much better spent getting better at the guitar. I was re-stringing my guitar today and busted 3 strings. I am still legitimately tilted by it. The low E is a punto as I restrung it and tuned it fine. Then the A string stripped and busted when I was tuning and I think the other 4 are fucked. So, clearly I did something wrong and I don't know what I did wrong or why the low E was done correctly. It tilted me so much that I am just done for at least today and I'm more interested in making shit music on Garage Band than getting good at the guitar.
A friend convinced me to try out coding. I remember in 2006 I was interested in coding and my librarian mom brought home a 1,000 page book on Python and I was like wat?
Then I got good at other stuff but right now there is not really any excuse. I thought some things were outs that weren't in the last 7 years. Coding might be my only out. Coding & media are great outs if possible. But, clearly my shit on Garage Band is not going to pay the bills and as much as I like some of my paintings I don't really have much interest into trying to monetize them.
I don't really want to spend too much time on this since I haven't actually ever coded before but apparently their are programs out there that attempt to gamify it so it's not like taking some awful computer science course in university.
I've heard of code academy and learn code the hard way. Is this accurate?
I heard AWice say that he could make a better project than these. Did he do it?
Did anyone do it?
Go Fuck Yourself.
RiKD, Jul 10 2021
I am approaching new levels of broke that I've never experienced before. I don't need to get into all the details but the biggest thing is I haven't really been putting up much of a fight. There are still avenues I just haven't tried. I'm sick of fighting with capitalism every step of the way over not starving or the shot in the dark of finding some joy. Capitalism's take on joy is a perverted production of what they've convinced people joy is or should be. I don't know if the people down at the psych ward signed me up for disability or I still have to do that. It's all bullshit. Thankfully or un-thankfully the suicidal ideations are not that crazy. They could definitely get crazy. I don't think that much about suicide at the moment but it is the type of thing that I don't know if I care to live or if I care to die. If someone were to kidnap me and tie me down and maim me starting with my testicles and penis, of course, I would not like that very much. If they were to tie me up to a pole and empty a magazine of an AK-47 into my torso I am unsure how much I would care.
I haven't ever properly been in love. Maybe that is something to live for. My viewpoint now is that it is just fucked up chemicals in the brain. Then we have to deal with those fucked up chemicals in the brain after it ends. How could I ever honestly say I love someone until death due us part or even past that to some sick multi-dimensional eternity game. Like I can really say I am going to love someone not only for maybe 30 years but through infinite time in infinite dimensions? Really? All partnership really is is new benefits and new downsides. I think for a lot of the lucky ones the benefits outweigh the downsides but it is not like there are any guarantees here. The thing is if the chemicals are firing we are all fucking blind. I never disliked a woman when my throbbing penis was in her wet, warm, throbbing vagina. And, of course, that is not the only time I liked her. Maybe I have some misogynist tendencies I don't know about but most of those have faded away through out time and education.
I haven't really thought about hitting the bottle either. I am reading this book on addiction. AA is totally inadequate at explaining the science of addiction. There is some glimmer of hope that I could find a sweet-spot from say 10 units of Kentucky Bourbon to 20 but the problem is I know that it is total compulsion. I will drink until I pass out which is actually an added bonus for someone who hates to be conscious. When my only thoughts are, "I'm barely breathing... I wonder if I will wake up tomorrow... Do I care?" *Fade to black*
My striatum has found new things to be excited about and I think that is what addiction is about anyways. Finding new things for the striatum to get excited about and dopamine to pump towards something better than compulsively drinking myself to death.
I get excited about the electric guitar. As long as I keep getting excited about the electric guitar I may actually have more chance of getting good because my striatum and dopamine are probably a bit fucked up. I bet many on this site are a bit fucked up. Between Starcraft and Poker our striatums and dopamine pump got fucked up for sure. There was a time where literally poker was the only thing that brought me dopamine. One time I was playing poker and ignored an attractive women that was drunk but not too drunk and came up to my room to sleep with me and I told her I was busy.
Later, I had my drinking rituals which always placed drinking and myself before anything. Which basically just meant that I would compulsively drink until I passed out and then do that every single day of the year. That is such a gross spot to be in. So, I am in a better spot now than I was then but I am still in a pretty gross spot 7+ years later. And, the thing is I am not really sure how to get out of all of this mess. The only way I figure is losing consciousness. Sleeping a lot can be fun but all of the problems are still there. It is the same scenario with drinking, drugs, video games, good film... The only kind of escape that will truly work is to kill myself. I was not made for this place and time. I am so sick of trying to be malleable. It never works out. It hasn't worked out. I somehow still have hope that it can work out but that bullshit positivity does not mean that it must work out or it will work out. I am not an undead soldier.