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Malheur. I am not even sure if I understand this word because it supposedly has a hard time being translated in English. I mean a simple translation would be bad-time. Misfortune, woe, adversity, affliction with a hint of impending doom. Surprisingly, I am not there at the moment but I think I do understand this word very well.

I had a job interview the other day that I thought might have been the one but it was not meant to be. I am not sure what the owner and store manager wanted but I guess I was not it. They have a business to run but it hurts a little bit. A lot of it is the time and effort involved. I was likely the last cut made but if they don't want me for their business it's their loss and potentially my gain. If I think a little bit harder and reflect I'm certainly flirting with malheur. I'm in a shitty position and don't know the best way to get out. We've been here before. I'm just venting. I'll cross the bridge and ascend.

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I don't think I love my literal neighbors. They are kind of lame. I probably love a stranger from Gaza more. I remember I used to come home drunk and sing Pavarotti at 2am at this one apartment and no one complained. That is love for the wretched not love our neighbor. It is easier to love if you know nothing or everything.

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Whatever will be, will be.

I'm still writing my novel. Up to 80 some pages. I still feel a bit blocked. It's like what I've added some of it is decent and some of it moves the story but a lot of it could probably be cut and it wouldn't matter too much. I'm still stuck on where the story is going and how to finish it. I keep going just figuring I'll figure it out but the writing is ok but I'm not figuring it out yet. People tell me to keep writing which I do but I have to reel it in at some point and tell a good story and end it well. Maybe I should just say fuck the reader and write whatever I want. End the book abruptly with nuclear acopalypse. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.

I went back to my MacBook Pro today from 2009. 15 years old and it still works. Although it's operating system is too old to run barely anything. It does have a working Notes (word processor). I prefer Notes to anything Windows has to offer. I am thinking of transferring my desktop to Linux. Be that kind of nerd. I was a Firefox / DuckDuckGo nerd on my MacBook Pro.

I'm flourishing in a flourish of Byung-Chul Han. The Compulsion Of Authenticity from The Disapearrance of Rituals has to be one of the better chapters he has written.

It really is que sera, sera though. Whatever will be, will be. Makes me want to read Seneca vs. Jesus. Marcus Aurelius Meditations vs any other religious crap. Sometimes things feel overwhelming. It would be nice to believe in faith. Life is not that simple.

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