Heretic and an idiot
RiKD, Jul 08 2018
I am typically always skeptical of the consensus. I am peculiar and individual but not quite Individual, not yet a person. However, I am undeniably me. I am an outsider. I appreciate my solitude and quiet. I am a flower open to light. These qualities will always be at odds with certain people and at odds with the Neoliberal way of life.
The problem with corporations is they are constantly seducing me into becoming a self-exploiting achievement-subject. I almost have to become one to do my job. I hear a whisper of 95% is not good enough. Another whisper that we have to be at 110% for our customers. We can be, we should be customer obsessed. We can this, we can that turns into we should, we should, we should. They want us fulfilled and pleased with benefits (so we become "empowered" to make the company more profitable at the expense of ourselves). *Sigh*
I'm caught writing a blog again too. *Sigh*
Where are my friends in this equation? My community?
I wish to study Philosophy and Cultural Studies at the University of Arts (in Berlin). Undergrad is free there (and perhaps graduate school) but my German is very rusty. That would be a joy in itself to improve my German. It is a wish to read Nietszche and Kafka in German. So, what would I need? I would need a plane ticket, a place to stay, food, health insurance, money for books, etc. I am unsure how I would go about procuring a loan for that.
This form of communication is so fucked and I am likely only fucking myself imbibing. It was out of compulsion more than anything. Even though it felt like I could type myself free there is no real freedom there. The thing is I will appreciate a dialogue and discussion that is also kind of fucked. Lacking any gaze or voice it is still the opinion of the Other. I still think it's better than Facebook and Twitter. I like and dislike the idea of all the impassive ghosts floating through viewing my blog and not filling up the white space with words and sentences. Hopefully, I won't go hyper this time around and fill up that space myself. I've always been just a guy trying to live life.
RiKD, Jun 29 2018
I was doing some thinking. Perhaps many of you are on the right track. It does seem a little ridiculous to share every last feeling on this small, niche website. I think about sharing value but I am unsure if there is any value to share. The obvious would be poker wisdom but I am sure the game has mostly passed me up. Someone could just read Barry Greenstein's "Ace on the River" or more wisely do a ton of work with the solvers. I don't know how I feel really about giving poker suggestions anyways. It is a pretty cool strategy game and a means to be more autonomous. Not a bad way to make a living but I believe it is romanticized in many regards. I don't know. I am just a part-time grocery store worker barely covering the most humble of expenses.... I shouldn't use that phrase as there are others on even lower expenses than me. The point is I don't consume a whole lot. I am perhaps more peaceful and content than I've ever been. It's a bit different. When I am on a speed boat flying across the ocean to go to a beach party in Malta and everyone is drunk and high and coked up that is a different feeling. Maybe I miss that wild and free feeling but it doesn't matter. I have to live a different life these days.
It is a bit mad to think I was posting vomit on here every day or every few days. Maybe this is vomit too. I need to find coping mechanisms that don't include THAT. I do get bored though. I do like to engage in different discussions on here. I am not sure if there is enough inspiring content on here anymore.
I was thinking about doing an AMA but I don't know if we have enough people or if anyone would be interested in that.
I sometimes get bored without content on LP is all. "Handmaid's Tale" and "Infinite Jest" only get me so far some days.
Oh well, I think it's about time I eat chips and salsa for lunch. The salsa is so good that's all I want to eat.
RiKD, Jun 22 2018
Traveling on very little sleep is unpleasant. I had barely any room on the plane. All hunched over and drooling half a sleep like someone full of psych meds in the psych ward.
I slept 13 hours last night. I needed it but I think I am carrying a bit of grogginess from sleeping that many hours.
I am going to a welcome party tonight for one of my best friends from college and his future wife. I have never met her. I have never met a lot of the people going to the wedding. That causes some anxiety for me. It will be good to see my suite mates from university though. I am just kind of killing time before I can burn any physical energy I have in the gym.
I get to enjoy this weekend and then get my ass into gear on getting a job. It's about that time. I believe it was nice to step out for a bit and get a lot of reading in. I believe it pushed me forward as a human being. Not that I am going to stop reading altogether but it might be geared to more novels and I may have to hit the job networking trail in AA. Not that that every worked in the past. Meaningful work is something I may have never had ever and I don't know what the chances are of me finding it now. That is depressing. Sometimes there does not seem like hope for me in the future. I think I need to help people and be a political activist. I think that might be my only way out. I am not prolific enough in any form of art to transcend time enough of the time.
I just write these damn blogs. Sometimes I'm in it. Sometimes like today it is just sort of happening. I feel better though. I'm making a wager that I will have a good time tonight at dinner. Who really knows? I made a wager that I would have a good time on a family vacation and it was overall a splendid time. There is something about family and good friends that the gut just says it will work out. Even if we just talk about old stories that will be good enough for me. I think where I have issue is MY future. I can talk about the future. I love talking about the future but where I will fit into that future is where it gets troublesome. I don't want to be some guy working shitty jobs and living with his parents forever. All I can be is me and not care what other people think about me. I can always just be a recluse and read books. I have been there before and am not afraid to be there in the future.